I am twenty-three years old and I live in Holland, in Amsterdam.
I came to the Montreux clinic in November 1998.
Before I left my own country I had been sick with anorexia and bulimia for over five years. I had had several treatments in hospitals, with psychologists, psychiatrist and with alternative healers'. In most places there were people that really wanted to help me, but none of them understood what I was going through and every time they admitted that after I had been in treatment for a while. I don't think I even understood myself. I was so far gone that I had no clue of what reality was like and I was living completely alone in a totally different world. My body was not functioning anymore, so I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't think at all. I just ate and vomited or I didn't eat at all or I was running around and hurting myself in all possible ways.
At the hospitals they usually just slid a plate with food through the door and told me to rin ŗg when I had finished it. Somebody would go with me to the washroom and say; Don't you dare do something, I hear everything.' At another hospital there were 30 people on the psychiatric ward with very different problems. This ward was equipped for 22 persons only, so I saw a doctor once a week and for the rest I was doing exercises in my room without anybody noticing. At one clinic I had to do my groceries all by myself, cook food in a group and eat it together with all girls that had the same problem. I couldn't even pronounce a word that was related to food. The other ones had waitinglists and I was there in waiting-list groups.
My parents were at loss and so were all the doctors that we had been in contact with.
At Montreux it was different. When I came I was very carefully watched and taken care of. There was always somebody by my side. This was essential as my illnes used every single moment I was alone to attack me with it hateful wo Örds, putting guilt on me, yelling at me, ordering me not to eat, ordering to hurt myself. I didn't sleep at all the first while, but even then people were talking to me. Through that I learned to trust; these caretakers, these counsellors, everybody at the clinic, they were there to help me until I would be able to start taking on some responsibilities without falling back into the grips of the eating disorder. The careworkers kept pointing out to me that what was happening inside of me was not real. THEY were real, they were telling me the truth and they were there to help me.
It was a mixture of distraction, talking, and questioning, and all this done with total commitment, love and devotion. It never stopped. Even when I slowly started to climb out of that dark world that I was living in. They always kept a close eye on me. This was also necessary, especially because of the person I am; I am a go-getter. If I do something, I want to do it now with everything I've "got. Maybe it was the patience that was the hardest on me to keep.
The struggle was extremely difficult. There were many moments where I thought I would never make it through. But every body at the Montreux clinic kept having faith in me, kept supporting and helping me, and so.
I AM COMPLETELY 100% RECOVERED!!!!!!!!
I live in Amsterdam, the city that I love very much! When I came back I finished my A-levels in the following two years (I had to drop out when I was sixteen). I got my driver's license, I established a wonderful relationship with my family ( I was very cruel to them at times when I was sick). I started playing fieldhockey again. I took drama-classes and improv. I got a boyfriend, who, when I told him after a few months that I had been severely sick with anorexia and bulimia, said: you are the last person I know that I would have expected that from!' We've been together for 21 ömonths now. I am studying cultural anthropology at the university of Amsterdam, still taking drama. I have loads of friends, people like me and say I am so full of life. I have so many plans for the future; next Friday I am going to have a knee-surgery. I had one seven years ago, but it was performed wrongly. So finally I will be able to play sports pain-free. I want to study in a different country for a year. I work as a careworker with a woman who had a muscular disease. I want to travel, I want to do things with my family. There is so much and it is just a matter of putting it in the order that is the most feasible.
I still can't believe I am living this life. I still can't believe I was ever that mute little sick girl who only saw sadness, gui lt, pain, horror, only negativity.
This summer I will go back to Victoria, together with Vincent, my boyfriend. I will be euforic to see everyone there again. I will be so proud that I used what they taught me. I will be delighted to express to them again how grateful I am.
This letter may sound a little corny or exaggerated, but believe me, it is not. It is the truth. It is a miracle, but it really is the truth.
So the last thing I want to say to you girls and boys who are suffering this horrible disease; there is hope for you. You are not the exception you might think you are; you can get better. There is a way out of the underworld of anorexia and bulimia. T here are people who understand. There are many people that want to help you.
You deserve it. The illness is cruel, but you are not. Everybody deserves a chance to live a normal life and you do too.
And life is worth it. I would do it again. You get so much back for it. You start to forget after a while what you had to do in order to get there. Take on the challenge. You know you're good at being anorexic or bulimic. Use this strength to test yourself; see if you can do an even more difficult thing; to allow yourself to live.
I wish you all the strength you need, also for the people who are involved with somebody who is going through this.
Testimonial #2
The purpose of my letter is to convey to you just how much Montreux Counselling Centre impacted me and changed my life forever. Eight years ago I was dying of anorexia while my body was cannibalizing itself. For several years prior, I had been in and out of seven hospitals, which offered little help, comfort, or support. Some of those hospitals are torture rather than treatment. AnorexiaÕs size and power over me were unlimited. Every waking second it would consume me with negative thoughts, berating me. I was nothing, a loser, and a failure. I should even be ashamed to breathe and take up space. I was driven to exercise obsessively with only minutes to rest. I continuously had to bargain with anorexia and felt a complete lack of freedom - everything around me had been reduced to pairs of extremes: life and death, crazy hope and utter despair. At times, I couldnÕt raise my head from my pillow, bathe myself, wash my hair, or dress myself. I became extremely suicidal wanting nothing more than a moment of p eace within my own head. AnorexiaÕs mistrust of everyone, and everything, kept me lonely, afraid, and in a constant downward spiral. No one who spent a day with me could wonder for long why people suffering with anorexia need constant supervision. Its tireless energy is beyond all comprehension. After years of battling and living with anorexia, in addition to a flawed health care system that doesnÕt understand, my fight for life was ending.
March of 1995 was the beginning of a relationship with Montreux, which introduced me to the world of miracles and unconditional love. Today I am full of life and free of the pain that tugged violently at my fragile heart. I am now very appreciative for everything that life has to offer. Especially those things that most of us take for granted such as the warm smiles of others, my health, letting myself risk love and letting myself be loved, and genuine laughter. My memories of anorexia now come as isolated snapshots of the past, but my experience has given me the opportunity to learn about a new kind of compassion and to help spread it to everyone of the planet as well.
Montreux was unique in so many ways. Many staff members were recovered from anorexia or bulimia and knew how to help and ultimately cure the pain in which you live. Their knowledge, understanding, and gentleness were always present. Unlike so many hospitals, their concern was not focused on weight or calories, but on what an individual needs to be healthy. Then the process began when more and more s =oldiers joined you on the battlefield to fight anorexia. My best description of 24-hour care is unconditional love in action - they keep you safe and never give up on you.
Peggy and her incredible staff gave me a second chance at life. I believe that is the art of giving and asking nothing in return. This kind of love took place within the walls of the clinic while the rest of the world went about the business of daily life. When I walk outside, breather fresh air, and pause for a moment to look and listen, I am grateful to be alive.
Testimonial #3
My story...
The only evidence I have of the years I spent under the tumultuous rule of anorexia is the faint scars upon my arms. It was there that I ravaged my ski, rubbing it raw, trying to inflict the punishment my troubled mind told me I deserved. The marks are still there, but the feelings and the pain are gone; completely disappeared, leaving not a trace of the self I once thought I was.
Over ten years ago I was first diagnosed with anorexia after losing a great deal of weight and being absolutely terrified of food and its perceived power to make me fat. I was consumed with thought of calories and exercise, plagued by feelings of intense guilt and incredible dread at living each and every day. I prayed at night for God to take me away from this world; to spare me the torment that had become my every momentÕs reality. I wanted to rid myself of the intense feeling I had of being a horrible, bad person. I felt obligated to punish myself wit h violent acts of starvation and self-mutilation. However, nothing I did was good enough and the efforts I made to rectify this bizarre sense of failure never succeeded. It was a hideous existence for there was no escape from the hatred I had for myself and from the frightening acts I committed against my perceived sinful nature.
My health deteriorated quickly one my mind completely succumbed to anorexia. I was victim to my own feeling of unworthiness and utterly unable to believe I was mistaken. I could not eat nor could I allow myself to stop inflicting the physical torture I knew, in my distorted mind, that I deserved. No one understood this hideous existence, this agonizing fight within my own head.
But at my most desperate moment a profound gift presented itself to me. I was alerted to a special clinic in Victoria, Canada that knew my pain, that understood my torment. I watched a video of this miraculous place and knew only that I had to acknowledge the wonderful woman and her tea of care givers who so unbelievably knew my deepest thoughts and fears. I wrote a simple not of thanks for their wisdom, never expecting anything in return, for I did not deserve to go to this haven to be healed. However, I was invited, and I made the most incredible voyage of my life.
The very moment that I arrived at Montreux I sensed the depth of unconditional acceptance and felt the joyous relief of knowing a peace I had never before experienced. My mind, which had been so fraught with fear and so gripped by anorexia, was finally challenged by the insightful and loving counselors I met. I was immediately embraced by their gentle support and loving kindness. My mind did not know how to deal with this unwarranted blessing, and it fought hard to ignore it. But through the wisdom of the workers that had a special insight into my ravaged mind, I was slowly able to accept the new perspective I was taught. I was shielded from my sick mind as all responsibility was lifted from me and given to those who anticipated anore xiaÕs every move. I was sheltered by their unceasing care and guided by their knowing words. The respect and understanding I received were gifts I had never previously allowed myself to accept. A miracle was helping to ease my mind from the chins of anorexia, and the goodness of the Montreux counselors brought me out of my tainted illusions into a new and marvelous reality.
After completing treatment under their care, I returned home to finish schooling. I had begun while consumed with anorexia. Everything was different now. My mind was freed to learn in a way I never knew was possible. I actually was able to concentrate without the continual bickering in my head pushing me to hurt myself, deceiving me into accepting untruths about who I was. I had not known myself before as I lived a life for everyone else. However, now I knew who I was, understood what I felt, and began to live. I completed my degree in a year and began work with children. It was a wonderful experience to finally be enjoying thi ngs.
Each morning has been filled with Joy at starting a new day rather than the disgust at having survived another night. My life is overflowing with happiness. I am to be married this fall to someone who loves me with the unconditional care and acceptance I could never have before allowed for myself. I am able to give to him all the peace and the contentment I have gained, in the same way it was given to me during my recovery.
I do not regret one moment of my past despite the years of agony and pain, fo 2r it presented me with the opportunity to learn so much about myself. I know now that I have much to offer the world and that there is always a solution and forever a way to find peace. That is a blessing I will cherish eternally. My mind was imprisoned by anorexia, but it was freed by the gifted healers at Montreux. I only wish that no one else had to wage the war on and eating disorder for it is a hell that seems insurmountable. But I can attest to the truth that there is a savior to bring the mind back from the depths of that hell. It is now my mission to bring the message I have been told to the others not yet so fortunate. Anorexia may have a hold on the mind, but love grasps the soul of the blessed victims who can recover and know the multitude of joy a life free from this condition can bring.
Testimonial #4
If I hadn't been treated to the Montreux Clinic, I don't know what I would be today. As frightening as it is, I do know that I would be lost and mumbling somewhere in a psychiatric hospital, or even more likely that I would have died along the way. Honestly, I didn't know, before I got sick, that the mind could, slowly and inadvertently, slide into such hell.
Around 17, I started to feel very estranged to myself and to the world. Things as I had known them were coming undone, to such an extent that I was becoming unable to relate to anything or anyone around me. I felt like my own mind was turning into quicksand, the world felt scattered. My love for anything, what passions and people had meant to me, everything was shattering in my head. I felt powerless and terrified. I couldn't tell anyone; I didn't want to bother people with the weirdness growing inside, and seriously, at 17, it was a bit hard to face that I was going crazy!
I told myself over and over that I was lucky to have a loving family, good friends, a healthy body, enough to eat everyday, a roof over my head, that therefore I SHOULD be okay, that I had no excuse not to be, no reason either
I tried to make "it" go away for years until finally I couldn't pretend things were fine anymore.
I was 23 when I finally broke into anorexia. I just had to become thinner and vanish at that point. I didn't even know why, I just had to shrink, no matter what. When I sought help I was prescribed strong medication, put in hospital, diagnosed with a few illnesses: depression, OCD, self-mutilation, eating disorder, disassociative disorder.
I was hospitalized for two years, received a series of shock treatments, but
it feels so strange, today, now that I am well, to write about those things and try to realize that they happened to me. It feels like talking about someone else.
Montreux brought me back to myself. Life today is so simple, it flows in my veins, it's easy. There is so much joy in being in touch with everyday, simple pleasures again. To breathe the air in the evening, to enjoy a warm day of spring so much that I want to embrace the sky. My mind has cleared and I feel free. There is silence and peace. And so much laughter! I heard this song the other day and I couldn't say better how I feel today:
"I left the shadows for the light
I'm like before, but not the same
I fought so hard against the grave
That I come back loaded with life."
To everyone who is struggling and feels hopeless, I would like to say what Montreux has taught me: as long as there is still a breath in someone, there is hope, not just a faint hope for a diminished life, but a real big hope for a full, healthy life! So, hang on everybody
life is just too beautiful.
Testimonial #5
I entered the program at Montreux Clinic eleven years ago at 14 years old. I am now an active, energetic 26-year-old living in New Zealand where I have been employed for four years at a marketing and social research company. I have traveled the world, met many wonderful people and enjoy each day to the fullest.
The first time I came to Montreux I had been through numerous outpatient and hospital programs for anorexia and had just been discharged from the hospital after having a nasal gastric feeding tube. My hospital "program" was over, however, my condition had gotten worse. My parents were told that I would likely die or at most learn to live with my disorder. I felt like a statistic doomed for failure, playing a waiting game with death. When you are 14 and would rather die than live with the condition something is drastically wrong. It gives a picture of what living with this disorder is like to a victim.
The first day I met Peggy Claude-Pierre changed the rest of my life. I changed from a statistic to a person. Not only did she say I would recover but that I could have full recovery and lead a life free of the condition.
My entire time at Montreux I was treated with love, caring and respect. I was surrounded with unconditional love and support at any time of the day or night from Peggy, counselors and care workers.
If I had not entered to program at Montreux I don't like to think where I would be today. After completing the program I have never felt a need for additional therapy or any additional treatment.
Years later I returned to work with Montreux as a part-time care worker while studying at University. I saw the transformation of so many amazing clients from being encompassed in sickness to being carefree and ready to take on the world.
When all the energy that is used fighting an eating disorder is channeled from the negative to the positive there is energy and focus to obtain anything.
Each day I wake up and am excited at what life will bring. Physically, emotionally and mentally I am fully recovered, healthy and well. In the next few years I plan more travel and to start a family. I am not coping. I am living.
Please have the courage to know that this condition is completely reversible. Never give up. If I have been able to accomplish this so can you.
Testimonial #6
I would like to take some time to speak about my feelings towards the Montreux program if I may.
To begin with, I want and need to thank Peggy Claude-Pierre, for believing in me, and every soul who suffers from such an agonizing existence as CNC and eating disorders. For believing that my life was worth more than sub-existing on a feeding tube, slowly dying a very painful mental and physical death. For believing I was worth the effort to save, and was worth breathing life in to. For believing I was worth taking the time to teach my worthiness, importance, that I am so loved and that I deserve happiness just as much as any other. That it is my right. I feel so very privileged to have been given back that breath of life, and in many ways it is the first time I have felt it. To me, it is nothing short of a miracle that I have that privilege - every single day.
First dream, then hope, next find the courage and persistence to make the dream a reality. I lived at first through a dream - that somehow wellness existed. That I would someday find the key to open the door out of my prison cell in which my condition would keep me prisoner, tied at the hands and gagged at the mouth.
Then I found my hope, my key, in Montreux. That hope became my oxygen. With the courage and persistence of the 'whole Montreux team' along with me, with belief, understanding and knowledge, and with what little life they saw left in me, together, we made my dream and theirs become a reality. No one can truly understand how that feels. Not one person until they experienced it in one-way or another, either the saved or the saver. I don't know that there is one particular person I can attribute where I am today to, but rather, can say it was more like a puzzle, and without all the pieces it doesn't work as well. But there are those really important pieces of the puzzle, the edges. The foundation, without them you have nothing to work from - you are lost. My edges, to these most beautiful people, I owe this incredible privilege I have today, the breath of life.
To Peggy, Kirsten and Nicole you are my edges and I love you. To know you are always here helps me find safety and know where safety is. You have become a second family to me. My gratitude and love for you will never change. I will defend you always. I will fight for you always. I will believe in you always. I know your hearts and the goodness in them. I know the goodness of Montreux. What it stands for; souls like me. Souls who's right it is to be happy. Souls who attain nothing but kindness, yet suffer only torture, souls who should be free.
Thank you for believing. Thank you.
Always, Bronte
Testimonial #8
I was kneeling by the cold radiator, stuck to the ground by vertigo, clinging with all my might to the chill that reminded me of my existence. I was still alive. My mother tried to calm me down, tried to distract me with talk of nothing that mattered. I can't remember what it was anymore; maybe she was saying that everything would be okay. All that mattered was to stand the pain, to hold on just a little bit longer. The severe physical pains I suffered were nothing compared to the turmoil inside. To this day, sitting in another part of the world, in another time, another life it seems, I cannot find words to explain the terror of the irrational world that was then my mind. I was never left alone by the negative voice in my head; to it I was never good enough, not even at being in pain.
At that moment, in my intentionally bare walled bedroom with no curtains framing the big window, I knew that pain itself would not kill me. I was convinced I could do it, the holding on forever, or until my heart would no longer be able to pump the blood through the little tunnels of my veins. That scared me: that I was winning even over Death. I was laughing Death in the face. Death, my best friend, comforted me at night by whispering promises of rest and peace. I had hit bottom again, the bottom of what was the abyss of my life.
There were still things I secretly wanted to do; impossible dreams that I attempted to hide in the obscure air pockets in my darkened mind, so that I would not be ridiculed for believing I was worthy of dreaming. In one of those secret caves, there was a little girl hunching with her arms around her legs, staring with dark terrified eyes at everything going on, frightened by everything she knew. She yearned to be held. She yearned to be seen.
Hold me to rest
Tell me all else will follow
God, it's lonely here
Where no on sees my face
Or knows my name
Always strong
Waking in tears
Then adding my smile
So they will love me a little more
Than not
Moments, hours, months, years of pain and unrelenting voices dictating, spelling out my unworthiness. It did not matter that it was often said I was pretty or that I always got such good marks in school. I did not let anybody come close. I did not want anyone to be contaminated by the sickness I knew I carried. Ironically, the distance at which I kept people resulted in that I appeared mysterious, and enticing to some. The more my disease showed, the more chiseled my face got, the more obvious my sick behavior became; the likelihood of being rescued diminished. As time went by, I reconciled with dying. It was more difficult to see the people around me being sad because I knew I was the one causing them grief. I did not understand how I could be important to them when I saw myself only as burden.
Then suddenly, a door was opened, far away. Quite literally, I was shipped off to the other side of the world, to Montreux Counselling Centre. All I convinced myself of was that this, too, would be a waste of time. Nevertheless, it would give my family respite and that was worth something. What followed was ten months of intensive care, in the words' truest sense. At first, I thought that my own hell had merely been exchanged for another but I was wrong. All the destructive tools I had equipped myself with to deal with the indescribable sorrow I had carried inside since my first memories, were taken away from me. All the outlets I had discovered for the pain, for the despicable shadow of a human being I thought I was, were blocked. What was offered to me in exchange? Love and Understanding.
Love, support and temporary relief from responsibility. I could no longer walk for hours on legs that should not have been able to carry even a body as light as mine. I could not longer caress knives with my eyes. I could no longer play Russian roulette with the balcony railing. I was no longer allowed to lock myself up with the demons inside. Instead I had someone at my side 24 hours a day. Someone who was constantly prepared to hold me when the sadness was too overwhelming to hide or when fear battered the breath out of me.
The clinic provided the necessary treatment to bring back life to not only my body but also to my mind and to my spirit. Therapy was essential but when I look back at the months of treatment, I am convinced that more than anything else, it was the positive and loving atmosphere that was the real conqueror over the disease. It was an art of humble love and respect, not blind admiration, for the best in humankind as well as a conviction of the power of objectivity.
Peggy Claude-Pierre and her coworkers saw the miracle in all of us, the fallen angels with broken wings and soiled clothes. We came from all corners of the world, with different backgrounds and different beliefs. But we were all lost. The theories on which the clinic based its modus operandi recognized the battles we fought with ourselves inside and although not everyone could personally relate to it, they were all aware that what we needed the most was security and love. We were gently guided to muster enough courage to allow our eyes to discover the gifts with which we had been endowed as well as the unique talents we all have as human beings. We were also taught how to condition our previously negative and subjective minds to become positive and objective. This is something that cannot be reversed - for the simple reason that it makes complete sense. One cannot fight logic.
Not a day passes without thoughts of where I have come from. The thoughts are not a burden; I cherish my experience as one of the greatest gifts I have been given. I was presented with an enormous challenge and it did not break me. I was humbled by life and as well as by my own limitations. At Montreux I learned of my strengths. The pain I had endured for so long made me stronger and helped me understand much of what many people never have the opportunity to learn. I take conscious pleasure in each moment because I know how precious each one really is.
Earlier today, I was sitting in the sun on the doorstep outside my home talking on the phone with one of my best friends. We met at the clinic. We are both pursing our dreams, heading in different directions and leading vastly different lives. Regardless of that fact, there is something binding us together, a tie that can neither be severed nor explained to someone who has not been through what we have. I don't have all the answers and I know that there are many things I cannot change. My faith comes from knowing the differences between pain and hard work, between dependency and love, between surrender and serenity. I have found my own peace.
Testimonial #11
Anorexia manifested itself in me when I was 13 years old. Over the next few years this negative voice inside my head became continuously louder. Anorexia started to take over my life, my thoughts and dictated my every move. I wasn't allowed to eat, to have fun, to have friends, to live. I thought that I took up too much space in this world and therefore should become smaller so that I could disappear more and more.
I had several unsuccessful attempts at outpatient therapy and I was an inpatient numerous times at various hospitals, sometimes staying only a few days, sometimes staying as long as seven months.
All of those hospital stays didn't get me an ounce better, they just made me worse. Most of the programs I went to just focused on weight gain and treatment of medical problems related to anorexia. But no matter how much weight they put on me, I always lost it within weeks after being released. Anorexia was still there and louder than ever before and I continued to starve.
A couple of months after I turned 20 I was kicked out of yet another hospital because of severe non-compliance. I still saw a psychiatrist at that point who soon told me that I would die if I didn't go back into hospital. But at that point I had lost all my will to survive. Anorexia had won; nobody was going to get me back into inpatient treatment ever again. I just wanted to be left alone and die. I stopped seeing my psychiatrist and started losing weight very rapidly. I totally withdrew from my outside world. Every minute of the day seemed to last for hours with my negative mind torturing me endlessly. I honestly believed that I was a bad person, worthless, deserving to die.
That's when my Dad found out about Peggy and Montreux. Within a few weeks I was on my way to Canada.
Although I had read Peggy's book I still thought that it was just going to be a program like any other eating disorder program I had been to. I thought I would have to stay there for a few months, gain a chunk of weight to make some doctors happy and go back home to what I did before.
The doctors I had worked with before believed that I had to really want to get better, in order to get better. But they couldn't understand that anorexia, that negative thinking, wouldn't let me have a choice about that. Of course my negative mind didn't want me to get better, it wanted to remain in control.
When I entered Montreux's program I was put on 24-hour care and my care workers provided the security I needed to begin the process of combating that negativity. I was shown unconditional love and no matter how nasty anorexia made me be towards my care workers, I could never push them away. I was never left alone unattended, which was a great relief to me, until I became stronger than my negative mind. Sometimes I wanted to listen to the negativity and do what it told me to do, but I was actually very grateful that my care workers were there to keep me safe.
Anorexia was very strong for the first 1½ years that I spent in the program. Sometimes I fought with all my strength against getting better. It was very difficult to fight that negativity. But my counselors and care workers did not stop explaining to me how illogical this thinking was and how much I deserved to live and eat. I met so many wonderful people that used to be sick, but are completely well now. They also gave me faith and strength in times when it was especially hard for me.
At some point I started listening the counselors and care workers, a bit later I started believing in what they told me and after close to two years of being at Montreux I actually started to take responsibility for my life. I became more and more able to distinguish what I wanted to do and what the condition wanted me to do. For the very first time in my life I found out who I was, who the "real" me was. I found out about my likes and dislikes and what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Before I got to that point I always thought that if anorexia was taken away from me there would be nothing left, because I thought anorexia was all that I was. But with every bit of negativity that disappeared out of my life, a bit of my true self surfaced.
I have been out of the program for four years now. Of course life presents ups and downs, but I continue to use the objectivity that I learned at Montreux and therefore keep getting stronger and more secure with myself.
Today I am in the process of completing my Master's degree in psychology. I have a wonderful boyfriend (who I intend to marry one day :), a healthy relationship with my parents and a few really good friends. Food is not an enemy anymore and I don't even think about my weight. I love my life and I am very proud to take up my place in this world.
I am so thankful that I was able to come to Montreux. I want to thank them all for their love, patience and understanding.
Testimonial #12
It's a strange thing really for me to recall a time in my life where I had suffered from an eating disorder. It seems as though I am recounting a story of some other girl's life that I once knew long ago. The memories blur as the time passes, bringing me further and further away from what once was my reality.
At the time I had desperately wanted treatment yet was compelled at the same time to continue an illness which, day by day, was eroding my body and my spirit. Somewhere inside me I knew that what was happening was not right. It made little sense to me when I observed my surroundings; that it was okay for others to be happy, to eat, to deserve (on so many levels) and why I was not included in that scenario. After a while attempting to hide my illness grew futile. I had become so distant from the happy, mischievous little girl everyone knew me to be.
In January of 1994 I began outpatient counseling at Montreux. I knew after our first meeting that I, my illness and my family were understood. Both my family and I were treated with dignity, respect and unconditional love throughout and after my treatment at Montreux.
Like a wrinkle in time my treatment at Montreux Counselling allowed me to reconnect with the girl I had always been. Meeting myself again for the very first time after a long estrangement was a feeling I cannot easily describe. There are no words to describe how I felt. When I read this, my eyes are welling with tears and I realize the inadequacy of words in any language to explain the commitment of the staff at Montreux.
My family and I are forever grateful to Montreux and the miracle that happened in my mind. Its philosophy is beautiful. I am reminded everyday that I am the living proof of it.
Testimonial #13
Hi there, I am 24 years old. I have been at Montreux for the past 12 months. I am now ready to go back home. I was studying Medicine at University when I left to come here, pushing myself to my limits in every aspect of my life, mentally and physically. I was not happy, but in my mind I had to keep to the path that I had set myself on to justify my existence. Being a doctor would make my family proud, it would be my chance to make a difference. I wanted to keep the rest of the world alive. Yet, I was unable to do the same for myself.
Before I started the Montreux Counselling program I had been suffering from anorexia and bulimia for almost ten years. During that time I was in and out of different hospitals but never got any better. Physically I may have looked "well" but inside I became sicker with each failed program. A couple of months before going to Montreux I was discharged from the last hospital and my doctors told me that there was nothing more that could be done for me. I was too difficult a patient and this would be "as good as it gets!" I didn't understand because every time I had been hospitalized, I generally did everything that I was told to do. I was too afraid of the punishments not to, yet no matter how hard I tried, nothing ever changed or got any better.
My entire life used to evolve around food and exercise. Every day I had to do better than the day before; do more, allow myself less, otherwise my condition would punish me. I never used to talk, and if I did it would be in the quietest voice. I believed I had nothing worthwhile to say. Everything in my life was run on rigid timetables and structures. I had no friends. I didn't go out unless to exercise or work. I didn't sleep, didn't laugh, didn't cry. I simply existed.
Looking back at that life I cannot believe that it is me that I am talking about, because it is so different from the girl I am today. I am the complete opposite of everything that the condition made me be! It is such a wonderful place to be at. I equate happiness with many things but peace is high up on the list, and my mind is peaceful. Everyone can get there - it is possible.
I remember the first day I came to Montreux for assessment, sitting in Peggy's office talking to former patients and trying to get the courage up to say yes I wanted to stay. That was one of the hardest yet best decisions I have ever made. I was so afraid that everything at Montreux would be just like other treatment centers I had be in; with a huge lack of understanding, tough love policies that I would be in the same or a worse situation at the end of it all. I found it hard to listen and believe the positive things that everyone was saying. All I heard in my mind was negative. But, at the same time I desperately wanted to believe in what patients and counselors were telling me; that I was not alone, that at Montreux people are here for you without any hidden agenda other than to love you and get you well. That was what I had to hold on to.
When other patients told me what their lives were like being well, all I could say was, "But I don't get it" or " But that just doesn't make sense". In my mind I just couldn't comprehend living without an eating disorder or my negative head. Who would I be? It was all I knew about myself.
It was not easy to come through the program, but no matter what I said or did in or out of session, I was always treated with support, kindness and compassion from everyone on the counseling team. Initially I tried to push the limits, waiting for the punishments to begin, expecting disapproval but it never happened! It was at that point I began to trust in my counselors and the program. In some measure, it was blind trust and I was so afraid, but it was all I had. I desperately wanted to be out of the hell that I was at in my mind.
The team of counselors worked together with me as an active member of the team. They helped me through everything; gave me tools to objectify whatever I presented. They cared for me. They reassured me, let me know that I was sick not because i had done anything wrong, in fact it was the exact opposite; because I am a very kind and sensitive person who had cared for myself last. They showed me how perceptions of life, although so real in my mind, are actually not reality. Gradually I begin to see life in a more positive light. I began to understand myself by their actions, by their constant positive nurturing of my true, kind self.
There are no time lines at Montreux and no pressure, nothing for the negative mind to use against one. Getting well is almost like learning a new language. All my life my mind had spoken a negative subjective language. That was all I had known. So here I was looking at all my thoughts and perceived memories through a more realistic, objective and positive lens, changing the negative language that existed in my head.
During all my time at Montreux, I was never forced to do anything. My counselors knew me well and pushed me gently when I needed it and also suggested I slow down when I was pushing myself too hard. I have nothing but love, respect and gratitude for everyone at Montreux for everything that they have given me. The approach at Montreux is very gentle and every idea is presented in a very non-threatening way.
As I got further through the program, at a time when food was not as much of an issue for me, I realized how, in a way, my eating disorder or any other manifestation of my negative mind was not the huge thing I thought it was. They were symptoms of the entire way I thought and lived. That is what Montreux is about. They treat the negative mind and subjective perception and teach one how to live life. They teach a person who he was always meant to be had this negative condition not taken the mind hostage all those years ago.
Coming through the program, I often feared getting well for I thought I would become the person I was so afraid of being. It isn't like that; being well does not take away from your kindness or your sensitivity. It just means you know how to live with it objectively. You do not become selfish but instead can give as much to others because you can teach and understand others and the world from who and what you are. You know your limits and you also understand and value yourself.
I was recently home for a visit and for the first time realized how far I have come. Home was not the terrible place I remember it being. I met up with friends and felt comfortable in their company. I spoke and joked with them and felt at ease to do so. I realized I was no less than them, as I had formerly believed.
I truly do feel like I am living in a different world. I sometimes wish that there were more hours in the day because there is so much that I want to do. Not things I HAVE to do, but fun things I want to do. I enjoy myself. I laugh and I appreciate everything I have been given because I know that with my new eyes things will only get better.
I know I will come across more challenges in my life, but I have been taught to be strong. I know and understand the world and myself. I have been taught tools for objectivity. If I use these to my benefit I know I will be able to work through whatever challenge is thrown at me in the future.
Now, I wake up in the morning excited at what lies ahead of me. I look forward to so many things, even if it is just lying in bed until noon watching TV. I cannot wait to go home; I am starting a Psychology degree in October. I am looking forward to making new friends and living the rest of my life for myself. It really is a whole new world! If I can get to this point, anyone else can. Know that it really is possible, and it is worth everything to get here. You will never go back.
Thank you for your time in reading this.
With much love and hugs,
S
Testimonial #14
Recalling the seven years I spent battling anorexia and bulimia leads to an interesting dichotomy; on one hand I can barely remember what that period of time was like, as I am today such a different person. I can, however remember the feelings of terrifying loneliness, the pain of attempting to maintain a normal faēade and the absolute certainty that I was an evil, hideous person who did not deserve any of the things that other people did: kindness, love, compassion and as an extension of this, food. The guilt that would overwhelm me for everything I did that I perceived as wrong was staggering. I felt an all-consuming and relentless fear. My mind was constantly bombarded by an insidious voice that whispered, in a never-ending litany, all the ways I had failed those closest to me, as well as the world in general. Upon realizing, time and again, how deeply I had caused others to suffer by not being a better daughter, sister, friend, I knew only horror and desperation. Being trapped with that voice was made even more frightening by the isolation that went along with it; the thought that I was truly alone and that there was no way to atone for the wrongs I felt I had done. My attempts to make amends ranged from avoiding any potentially pleasant situation, to restrictions on food or purging what I allowed into my body in what I deemed a moment of weakness. Daily punishment was required by that tenacious voice and I felt all the more that I deserved only pain and suffering. Attempts at treatment only reinforced what a failure I believed myself to be and I came away feeling more alone and resigned to this prison that had become my life.
My first reaction upon finding myself at Montreux was complete shock as for the first time, someone seemed to understand the depths of my terror and shame, and was able to mitigate against the voice that had so mercilessly berated me for years. The constant presence of those people who actually recognized the reality of what was going in my head, their gentle encouragement and ability to see beyond my attempts to convince them I was unworthy allowed for a complete healing of my fractured mind and spirit. Over time I learned trust, in others and myself, a discovery and acceptance of my true self and an ability to see the world as it really is, as well as my own place in that world. Much to my surprise eleven years ago, I discovered that I liked the person I had become and embraced my imperfections as well as the years of anguish that I had once thought would forever mar my body and soul.
When I do look back on that time, before I was given the gift of understanding and acceptance, it is as if I am looking at the life of someone else, as those thoughts are so far removed from what I feel today. I know without a single doubt that that life is far behind me and nothing could happen that could ever take me back to that place. My perception of myself is so completely different that I often marvel at the fact that I once believed myself to be so reprehensible and contemptible that I did not deserve a single comfort, let alone the basic things that everyone on this earth deserves. The joy I feel at having been given this freedom is immeasurable and has never abated in these past years. I am reminded every day of the incredible compassion, support and kindness given to me by the staff of Montreux when I realize how much I treasure the life I have now, a life filled with everything good that I could not previously allow myself. Strangely enough, I do not even regret those bleak years as they have brought me knowledge of true selflessness and wisdom, inherent in those people who work every day to bring another child out of the darkness.
I thank them every day of my life.
S
