ON LOVE AND HEALING: The Challenges at Home

(Excerpted from "The Secret Language of Eating Disorders"
by Montreux founder, Peggy Claude-Pierre)

HELPING SIBLINGS COPE

Siblings can make a confusing situation even more so. A normal family setting often involves rivalry between sisters and brothers. But it is difficult for children to make sense of something that makes no sense to adults. Suddenly, almost before they know it, parents start catering to everyone.

The parents' role is to ensure the well-being of their children. When they cope with a child who has an eating disorder, their energy is naturally focused toward that need. Because of this special direction of their time, the other children in the family may take on different roles. Some siblings have been the first in line to help, others have desensitized themselves to the problem in order to survive. A teenager in the family is likely to resent everything with little encouragement. A teenager who has an eating disorder can become very resentful indeed. Some previously "well" siblings may even compromise their own development because of their anxiety.

Siblings are naturally concerned about the sufferer. To prevent their anxiety, it would be helpful to teach them that they are not to blame for their sister's condition, that she is in an illogical place, and that they should not judge her abnormal behavior or show anger toward her.

I would take all my children to a therapist, involving the entire family for two reasons: The children will realize that the family is a whole and that their parents are committed to maintaining that whole, and they will see that the problem is being addressed by the adults and it is not up to the children to mitigate their parents' frustration or anger.

Some siblings will be resentful that all the attention is sucked away from them, but in my experience, it is more often true that the "well" siblings are more concerned about the intensified emotions they see in their parents.

At the clinic we talk to siblings and allow them to express their feelings. They understand that the condition is not their responsibility, they did not cause it, but they can be part of the solution by not judging the victim's behavior. They must also realize that this is an interim time - that wellness will return to the sibling and balance to the family.

I often say, "The left arm is broken, so we have to pay attention to it. It doesn't mean that we don't value the right arm or the legs. It's just that the body will work best when every part is healed."

It is imperative that all is done with patience and with no blame. If you tell a sibling, "Can't you see that your sister needs my help now? Don't be so selfish," it can be damaging because the onus of negativity will land on that child. Moreover, if the victim sees her siblings suffering from what appears to be rejection or anger, she may feel more guilt as well.

Remember, the eating disorder victim loves her whole family and would like nothing better than to have it work. Your goal is to try to achieve as much balance in the family as possible, discouraging siblings from stepping into adult roles.